Thursday, September 8, 2011


10. Your views on alcohol and drugs.

We all have our vices and truth be told, I'll be damned if I said I haven't had my fair share of partying like an animal. I've been drinking since I was fourteen. It's not something to be proud of, I know, and I'm not particularly fond of my delinquent past. To be honest, how I managed to graduate high school, or even live for that matter, evades me. I was almost always drunk during school hours, my alcoholic binge starting as early as 7:30 in the morning (oh, that orange juice and tequila combination was my breakfast for a good while, along with many other concoctions as well), and I went through photography class with many trips to the darkroom to chug my vodka-strawberry lemonade. Strangely enough, I've never smoked reefer or dabbled with any other substance other than alcohol. I say it's strange because there was a boom in crystal meth abuse in my high school years and most of my friends were sniffing the ice in textbooks during class. I don't know, their glazed looks always kind of scared me then.

It wasn't until Halloween of 2007 when I smoked my first blunt. I was already way too intoxicated (I think I took fourteen plus shots of whatever it was being served) to feel anything but sick and ended up throwing up my life in a corner. Got reacquainted with the greens a few days after that and totally fell in love. I had really bad insomnia back then and fell head over heels with the fact that I had the best sleep after smoking a bowl or two of that indica. My favorite was a fat blunt mixed with half banana kush and half G-13. For a year and a half or so I became the biggest pothead--how I got through my classes over at CSULA is all a blur, really. But now, now I won't even go near it. I can't really handle the high anymore, which I find oddly amusing.

Then, come the harder things that I was always scared to even think about trying. In any case, it became a part of my night life and I've lost a considerable amount of weight due to having excessive fun. It was always about chasing, for me, and I'd go two or three nights enjoying the feeling, the music, the company. It definitely took a toll on my body and brain--I've had a couple of close calls. Although it's fun, and I do miss the feeling, I don't have the urge for that kind of fun anymore. I'd rather stay home and read, honestly.

But, all in all, I think drugs and alcohol are just other ways to forget certain things, or a way to shed your inhibitions and have fun (if you don't abuse it for the former reason). I know I was abusing the two as a means to cope with certain aspects of my life. Yeah, from fourteen to twenty-one--took me seven years to come in terms with the things that used to keep me up at night and bitter. I've been there, I know what it's like to silently wish that maybe this time you took it too far, maybe this time will for sure be the last time you'll ever live. I know what it's like to drown yourself with alcohol and chase away your unhappiness with momentary (and drug induced) amnesia. I've experienced it all, first-hand, so I can't judge when I come across others who do the same.

There are, however, some cases where it's just inexcusable. Some cases where it gets to the point of no return. That's when, after years of running from your life and chasing away the problems with the high, you get so used to it that you can't even stop. Even when there are people who love and care for you and want nothing but for your well-being and that you stop harming yourself. And you end up pushing and chasing them away. And you end up alone, still sniffing, still popping, still shooting, still drinking, with nothing left of yourself to save.

Now that is the point I'm so thankful I've never been.

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