Written on February 23, 2010
You know, I seem to be spiraling down deeper and deeper into confusion when it comes to my sense of identity as the days go by. Who I was before last November is now a stranger to myself, and the firm grip I had on my dreams have loosened a considerable (and also a slightly frightening) amount. I guess this is a phase that everybody goes through at one point in their lives, and I know that this just means that I have to take time to try and figure myself out and reacquaint myself to the same (yet slightly modified) ideals I once had. It’s just that right now, I can’t seem to put a finger on who I was and who I want to be.
However, I’m not wholly confused. I know the exact reason why I feel like this. Ever since I got over the childhood trauma (that remained a chip on my shoulder for fourteen plus years) in November, the person I was before then just didn’t seem to go with the new chapter of my life. I was angry, hurt, cynical, vindictive, and totally fucked in the head because of the things I went through and because of the less-than-ideal childhood/teenage years I’ve experienced, and all that just doesn’t go with the way I look at things now. I was a mess because I had no idea how to handle all that negativity in my life, and because of the fact that I just didn’t know how to let my past go. I was driven and ambitious because of the fact that I wanted to prove all the doubters wrong, because I wanted to show them that I am worthwhile, contrary to what they think. My sense of direction only existed because I wanted to prove something toother people and not to myself, when I’ve been, and am, all those things all along.
And now, after learning the most difficult lesson of forgiveness and finally ceasing to let my past define who I am and how I think, I’m kind of lost. I have no reason to be angry anymore, no reason for the cynicism I once had, and no reason to accomplish success as a means of vengeance. So…who am I now, exactly? How am I not supposed to feel confused when those three qualities have defined me for so long? And, quite frankly, all this freedom I’ve gained from moving out of my parents’ is getting to my head. I’ve forgotten what crucial steps I need to take in order to achieve what I want to achieve. I’ve gotten so comfortable with my laziness, it’s kind of sickening.
I guess I just have to look at this period of my life as a form of…rebirth. I guess this just means that I have to take time to reevaluate everything I’ve once known and modify them to fit the life I have now chosen to lead. And as a writer, I have to go out and look for new things to write about, because always writing about rape, abuse and unrequited love can get a little tiring.