Monday, January 16, 2012

here's one for twokaytwelve.

My letter to the new year is sixteen days late, I know. My mind has been working overtime, going at a million thoughts per second and I couldn't sit still long enough to formulate a coherent string of words. Yes, I also know that so far I've collectively spent about a good sixty hours on mind-numbing social media sites, ignoring my tasks and digging for music. Ugh, I know, I know--instead of creatively coping with my insomnia, I've just been perusing Tumblr, being nosey on Facebook, going through tattoo ideas (do I really want another piece?)... However! I've finally sorted through all of the junk that's been in the room, got rid of things, done my New Year Cleaning. Now that is something that was long overdue, it's something I'm definitely proud of how it turned out. The next step now is the rearrange the room so that there's more space for Sean and I, then I shall proceed to rearrange the living room and kitchen with my roommate (and dear ateh) Mia. I'm so excited!

I finally have a desk/work area that I set up in the living room. It's about time I worked on things in proper fashion!

Anyway, I've had a rough start with you, 2012. You proved to be a little difficult from the moment I rang you in. All the emotional baggage I've been carrying with me just poured out of me like vomit, making me feel sick and guilty for all of the hurtful things I might or might not have said (three bottles of Jameson will give a girl temporary amnesia). Everything hung over me like a dark storm cloud and I couldn't help but to fear that everything that had happened foreshadowed how the rest of the year would be. So, of course, I lashed out and proceeded to push everything away from me. (Actually, in hindsight, it's funny how that's my default reaction.) But things are so much better now, and maybe all that word-vomit was necessary--I mean, it definitely took off a huge load off my shoulders. I feel light, as of late, not so hesitant and unsure.

I feel different, in a good way. I'm excited about the things you have in store for me, and I'm hoping that every hint of that tumultuous whirlwind of an emotional storm have been exorcised from my system. No more, please, no fucking more.

I've been thinking a lot about 2011 and I realized that I was holding a lot of myself back. I know the reasons why, it's something that I'm still a little nervous about, but I can't keep myself at bay like this. I need to understand that I things will work out in the way they're supposed to. I can't put myself in the back burner in order for other things to blossom.

So, you, 2012, you'll be the year I work on myself. We both know that it's something I've ignored for far too long. You'll also be the year I start cleaning more often.

I had really bad OCD, to the point where I'd start over if I lost count of how many steps were in a staircase (and I always had to get on the first step with my right foot). I used to organize all my books by size and author's last name. My writing utensils by length and color. Everything had to be right, and it was so bad to the point where I couldn't function right if these things weren't done or looked impeccable. It's gotten a lot better now... I've lowered my level of OCD by learning to ignore my mess, to not start over if I lost count of the steps on the stairs, etc. I was doing well (though I still count steps and such), but it got to the point where I was ignoring my mess completely. (Always extreme, never in between, smh). So here's to being organized! Hopefully my mind will follow suit and my thoughts would be put in order as well.

You'll be the year of many, many changes. The year I finally go back to school. The year I actually keep a planner. The year I start writing way more often. The year I stop being so damn broke all the time. 2012, you're the year I'm gonna get my shit straight.

I've finally gained most of my confidence back. I've got a clear view of who I am. I've figured out what it is I want, and I know what I have to do in order to get to where I want to be. I'm not the woman I want to be just yet, but you're going to be the year I get closer and closer to her.

So, here's to you 2012. I plan to make shit happen and fill you with good times with great company.

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