Thursday, May 17, 2012

monkey see, monkey do?

I come from a violent family. I'm no stranger to fierce aggression.

When I say violent, I don't mean it in just the physical sense. Growing up, I was always surrounded by the worst kind of violence there is, the kind where both your parents were filled with nothing but disgust for each other. The kind where the house was always filled with yelling and intense arguments over money and family and the little things they couldn't stand about the other. Growing up, I was caught in the middle of a constant struggle for dominance between my mom and father.

And yes, I'm no stranger to physical violence, either. My father was very short-tempered and abusive, his methods of discipline nothing short of torture. I've been beat with a baseball bat, a golf club, had many things thrown at me, and most times I've been beaten by my father's bare hands. He knew all the places he could hit that would hurt the most, and those areas never bruised (both my parents are black belts in Tae Kwon Do and Hap Ki Do). There were also the name calling, the insults, the "you're just a failure, lower than dirt" type remarks that were spat at me from a very young age which continued until the day my father kicked me out three years ago.

Ultimately, this experience along with many others made me who I am today, made me strong. But it also made me meek, insecure, unsure of myself and very reluctant to grasp my dreams because, you know, I'm "only going to fail anyway." For a while, I tried to make up for it by adopting an overly obnoxious, no-bullshit, I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude...and it worked for a bit. However, deep down, there was no denying it. Wherever I went, there I was.

Not a day goes by without me worrying if I'm going to turn out like my father. Sometimes, people make the same mistakes their parents made because it's all they know, all they grew up with. I can only hope that I'm stronger than I think to rise above the muck. I feel so broken down, so old and tired. I hope that I can cope with all of this because I'm still trying to find my way out of this shitty cocoon.

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