time

i went to go see my parents and my little brother today after work. i don't think i ever fully realized just how much time has passed--looking at the three of them, it hit me that we're all aging. my fourteen year old brother is going through adolescence, i'm here learning how to shed the foolishness of youth, my father (who used to stand defiant and full of strength) is now aged and his back isn't so rigidly straight anymore, and my mother, the matriarch, tired and wise all at the same time. it seems so strange, because to my eyes they still look like they're in their late thirties, early forties, but every now and then i'll catch a glimpse of the years they weathered. i guess we as our parents' children have a fixed perception of this thing called time when it comes to our family--we forget that as we grow, so do our makers.

right now, i'm trying to figure out how to deal with this realization, especially since my father's ill. seeing him, this man who would strike so much fear into my intimidated heart, seeing him so thin and vulnerable...i never thought he'd ever seem so small to me. ever. in my life. and being faced with this, that looming thought that i subconsciously ignore hits me like lightning: my parents are human. and they age right along with me. and honestly, they may not have much longer.

to imagine a world without the very people who brought you into this world, who raised you, taught you from right and wrong, who provided for you, sacrificed so much for you, who give and give and give and give.. i'd be lying if i said that i'm not horribly and utterly frightened by it.

to be honest, i'm scared shitless.