bastard artist

yesterday, i had the chance to "model" a bit for marco, better known as "bastard artist". you guys remember him, right? i conducted an interview on him for light meets night not too long ago and posted up a few of his images on this here blog. i'm not really all that comfortable in front of another's camera (i'm getting way better at it though), but i was really excited to be shot by him and shoot with him a little.

edit--marco emailed me the shot he took above..

what he was shooting in the picture above this one.

stop

here we are, encased
in the fog of our heat
in your silver truck.

it's raining outside,
the water beating
against the windows
pit-pit-pat.

there are lights all around us,
distorted into geometric shapes
and i pretend that they are stars,
shining vibrant and steady.

you reach across for me,
laying your head on my lap,
your arms hugging me tight
as if i were a lifeline.

i trace the outlines of your face,
eyebrows first, then down the
smooth curve of your nose.

your eyes are closed but
the smile that plays at
your lips lets me know that
right here, right now,
you are content.

and with that, my heart
beats a little faster,
my cheeks get a little warmer,
and the atoms of every
molecule that fill my body
vibrate, tingling at the
heat of your body on mine.

time seems to move slow
when we are apart but it has
a habit of stopping for us
whenever we're together.

feeling

as of late, all i've been feeling
is guilt, immense guilt,
when i think of my family.

guilty for not coming around.
guilty for not calling.
guilty for not being there.
and ultimately, guilty for
leaving home.

it seems that lately i've turned
into a ghost of a daughter,
a ghost of a sister,
a ghost of a grandchild,
a ghost of a niece.

as of late, all i've been feeling
is torn, completely torn,
when it comes to who i am.

torn between being me
and who they want me to be.
torn between being who i've become
and who they think i am.
and i'm absolutely torn
between my korean culture,
and my american birth.

and then there's this
"nonchalance"
to the things that affect me,
my habit of putting my problems
in the backburner--
I don't think of it,
therefore it does not bother me.
what a lie i keep telling myself.

it seems that, well,
it's most obvious,
that i've forgotten what family is,
that even the most
dysfunctional,
small,
and broken family
is still family
and i must never, ever
forget
what i owe to my roots.

oh, what it is to be korean,
what it means to be filial pious,
what it feels like to have
my culture's values
coursing through my veins
and wage war with my
birthplace's everyday living...
what constant state of inner crisis.

WHY

CAN'T I WRITE ANYTHING CREATIVELY ANYMORE?!

jesus fucking christ, do i have to stay depressed for inspiration?!

diplo x usher

"don't want to give in so we both gave up."

i first heard this song about a month ago when diplo uploaded it on his soundcloud.

i thought it was just okay at first, but after paying a little bit more attention, i'm absolutely obsessed.

it's such a sad song and the bridge tugged at my heart:

"you say it's better if we love each other separately, i just need you one more time, i can't get what we had out my mind. where are you now, when i need you around? i'm on my knees but it seems we're going nowhere fast, we've reached the climax."

diplo said he'd described this as "electro-soul".

i personally think this generation is way past genres. 

confession

I am hesitant to try because I am fearful of failure.

My father's voice keeps playing over and over in my head.

"You're worthless, human trash, what can you possibly do right?"

How can you stop believing in the words that have been spat at you for all your life?

take it off

flickr of inspiration

by zamario

stumbled across this on flickr.

i love accidental finds like these.

LMN cards

thank you, sothan, for dropping these off!

got me a box of goodies on a brief study break.

i feel so official.

light meets night. we play nice.

got the flu blues

hi world. i caught the flu.

it's been absolute hell.

(did you know theraflu has double the dosage of meds than dayquil?)

the weather's gloomy,

this congestion's keeping me up,

and i swear i'm gonna od on vitamin c.

not to mention this fever that gives me the shivers.

anyway, i know i've been quiet,

on both my tumblr and this blog,

but school's been kicking my ass

and i seriously need to job hunt too.

navales and i started a new exercise,

but i think i'll just be posting my writing

instead of both of ours.

i mean, unless he wants me to.

i've lots of things lined up

but bear with me,

i need to focus my attention

on an english midterm that's coming up.

and i really hope the weather clears

because this gloom and cold isn't helping at all.

nights.

night falls over the world like a hushed silence, the air around us still, serene. you pull me in, offering your arm as a pillow and the other wraps around my waist. your rough hand rests on my stomach and with the other you hold my own, our fingers intertwining, finding its way to the spaces in between. your lips lightly brush the curve of my neck and your breath tickles my skin. i feel your strong, steady heartbeat and it's the rhythm that soothes me. the soft sounds of your breathing chases away the day's anxiety and it's become my lullaby.

our bodies are close, we leave no space between us, and we both fit the mold we make on this twin size bed. like a puzzle we fit, but you don't call me your "missing piece". no, we are not incomplete without the other, but rather, we are two halves who make a whole. two different entities, different souls, coming together to build a world that is ours.

this, right here, is my favorite moment before i close my eyes to sleep.

this, right here, is what we both call home.

formspring revival.

hi, hello, good morning!

it's a gloomy day today in la.

the weather's been very bipolar, as of late.

i've been starting the morning off with the music i was into in high school.

you know, back when we were so scene. with the big hair, the hair dyes, raccoon eyeliner.

a lot of fond memories of loitering, obnoxiousness, tight jeans, SXE and hardcore 2-stepping.

those were the days.

anyway, i've decided to revive my formspring account, again.

let's make things interesting and not be so shy around each other.

i'm not a believer in coyness, if you ask me something i'll answer.

dirty questions, stupid questions, silly questions, whatever. i don't discriminate.

so, you want to know something about me?

ASK.

and i'll let you in on a piece of my mind.

february at a glance.

happy march, all!

i haven't made a post like this in a while.

here's a little of this month's food porn: