this one's for matt

Matthew Christian Bancod, 8/25/1986 - 4/23/2012

April 23, 2012 marked the end of a life that belonged to someone who was a beloved friend, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin and son. Everyone who came to know him gathered at his home in Ontario, grieving together and swapping stories of good times and nostalgic childhood memories. Although I wasn't close to him, nor were we really friends, it's still very shocking and sad to bear witness the passing of a life so young.

at the getty, then to father's office

So, remember my disconnected rant a few days about how I needed a getaway and to see new things? Well, I didn't exactly get dropped off in the middle of France or anything, but Sean and I spent our Saturday over at The Getty in LA. Well, it's not really in LA...it's more in the Beverly Hills/Brentwood area (big money, oh-ho). I was pretty excited because I haven't really been there since I was twelve.

navales and song return

Recently, Navales (you all remember Jonathan, right?) and I started doing our writing exercises again, kind of like a season two after the first one faded away. I'm posting our second topic because the first one was actually a script, which I failed miserably on while the veteran's work almost made me cry. I'm not very good with scenarios, although I write pretty okay prose. Anyway, we're trying to be a little more strict when it comes to the finish date so I hope this exercise won't fade out like the last time.

only human

i'm nothing but
a void filled with loneliness,
surrounded by familiar faces
and busybodies that come and go.

i'm nothing but
a selfish girl filled with guilt,
afraid of the things she can do,
and fearful of failure she's made to believe in.

i'm nothing but
a scribbled mess of insecurities,
disbelieving of everything good in me,
horribly focused on my shortcomings,
constantly, constantly comparing.

i'm nothing but
human.
i'm only human but i seem to forget
to remember that i won't be perfect.

violet nude women

this song is currently stuck in my head.

have you guys heard this album? i love purple naked ladies.

i honestly can't get over just how good this album is

don't miss out!

restlessness

I'm feeling a little restless as of late, like I'm in need of a change of pace, scene, something. I don't know about the rest of you but I feel a bit horrible when I find that the days of my life have settled into a nice little routine. It's almost like I'm drowning. Yes, like lovely Betty Draper says, "only boring people are bored," but I'm not a boring person. I just need...constant change.

It's a funny thing, how I feel restricted by my own life, but it's the way I am I guess. Nomadic. I don't have any problem being detached, makes for an easier farewell in travel (I was known to just up and leave without telling anyone and then come back as if nothing happened). I kind of miss those days.

Now, I'm tied to a number to things (relationships, school, work, etc) so I can't just...disappear without notice. Although, I really want to. Maybe I'm feeling worse because I know I can't just up and leave. For a number of reasons.

Can you guys tell that even my thoughts are clipped?

I guess the next best thing is to change what I can. Like my hair (but I need to grow it out to donate). Or my wardrobe (but I fucking loathe shopping). Or going on a trip (but I gotta go to school and work). Do I sound like I'm complaining? Because I'm not. But, I do kind of resent my responsibilities and (gasp) attachments here. Just a little.

And I'm really considering abandoning this here Blogger and just importing everything back to my Tumblr account and just keeping that. However, I do love Blogger for its simplicity. And just HOW many times did I change the layout of this page in this one week alone? Too many to count.

I just want to spend some time in a place where I don't know anyone. It would make it even lovelier if I didn't understand a word of what they were saying to me as well.

Yeah dude. I feel like I'm driving myself absolutely crazy. I seriously need to stop repressing shit.

happyness in a happymess

i love SLUG, i love atmosphere, and i love this song

mostly because it reminds me of what happened between

us, what we went through, and just like the characters of the song,

we both broke the surface and we're making our own little happy mess.

spring break

today's the first day of spring break!

i've totally been veggin' out, watching beaucoup movies

and was supposed to have a photoshoot but things fell last minute.

well, now it's time to edit pictures from past shoots..

just after one more movie.

ps) i'm totally homesick for san francisco.

hiyo

it's been a while since a post like this!

hope everyone's doing well as the weather's getting warmer.

i'm on spring break now but of course i'm busier than ever..

if only all these passion projects provided a steady income.

sigh.

houdini

to her, he was a great artist--a great escape artist, the best she's ever known. each and every time he'd outmaneuver her loving embrace, her searching kisses, right before they came too close to his soul. and every time he'd pull away, disappear, he came back in just enough time for her to draw herself to him again. he kept her in delicious suspense, making it impossible for her to move on, with his well-versed tongue and the venomous words dipped in sweet honey. to him, it was just a game of gain, and she had given him her heart too soon.

abandonment

i saw him there
standing so still
watching me
with his clear eyes
holding my gaze
in such sad anger
as i continued to
set myself apart
from what we knew
and the things we said.

in the mind's eye

the hurried heap of strewn clothes
hushed sounds of excitement
her legs wrapped around you
your face between her thighs

then bodies close
naked, bare, intimate
through the mirror i see
the lust in your eyes
and the room is filled
with her heavy breathing
and the two of you
twist, turn, in, out
encased in arms and legs
i don't know where
you begin
and where
she ends

my heart pounds in my ears
i'm flushed and pale
all at once
and i want it to stop but
i can't turn away
from her coy smile
and i can't bear the look
on your face that tells me
that in the rhythm of it all
you've forgotten i exist.