30DAYCHALLENGE - 002.

2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?

Let's see...two years ago it was 2009. I was still at home, still living with my parents and little brother, still in school, still motivated, running my own music blog, going to a ton of shows, religiously going to my interships, religiously writing. I went out to eat a lot, hung out with friends a lot, had fewer tattoos and a lot more money than I do now. Right now, I'm at a standstill, I'm much more mellowed out, I'm in a relationship (who would have thought?), I have more responsibilities, I work a lot but don't work enough, I eat two meals a day at the most...

I'm struggling, much more than I would like to, but I'm not mad because I'm gaining experience and wisdom as the days go by.

30DAYCHALLENGE - 001.

1. Weird things you do when you're alone.

I do quite a number of weird things when I'm alone, or feel like no one is looking. I dance in front of the mirror...in just my underwear. I sing and record it on my phone (voice notes) in the bathroom. I kind of talk to myself, sometimes. I use my hair as a moustache. I watch porn. But I don't masturbate. I think masturbation is...awkward.

I think that's it.

introspection.

a deep breath.

i've been silent about the things that interest me, a little reluctant to engage in things that make me happy and, in truth, i've stayed away from them for a little while. i didn't want anything to do with my interests, that held many similarities with another, and i started to hate myself for them. it's hard when you want to forget about a certain heartbreaking situation while simultaneously knowing so much about the other characters of the story. that was my problem. that i knew too much. too much detail about something i ultimately didn't want to know that much about. but it came my way. a complete spillage of past due truths and i was drowning in it.

when something like that happens, you can't help but to sit and analyze all the events that's occurred back then up until now. you can't help but to sit and wonder why certain actions were done, if they were made due to this reason or that, was that a lie, a half-truth, or a nicer version? you can't help but to sit and be in awe of the workings of another's mind, how could they do that, what were they thinking, why was there no visible flinching pang of conscience? and then you can't help but to sit there and compare anything and everything. the analyzing and attempts to filter out the lies from good intentions, those are things i can go about with my sanity intact but the comparisons, oh, that's what drove me to the brink of sheer and utterly tragic insanity.

but then, all that being said, everything can only go so far. how much longer can i keep asking the same questions? how much longer can i wonder about the things that i ultimately won't know about? how much longer can i keep victimizing myself, pushing myself closer and closer to self-loathing and resentment? that's not going to get me anywhere. yet, that's always been my problem. letting go of the past is a huge lesson i still have to learn.

now, sitting here, after all the questions were asked, after all my questions have been answered, after many conversations upon it and after many subtle yet snide remarks (from yours truly), i'm down to two decisions.

dwell and damage or move forward and grow.

and, sitting here, after all has been said and done, after showing so much emotion, after all my efforts in trying to understand, and after many shared dreams, i've made my choice.

i'm moving on. i'm letting go. of everything. of everything that's happened, every single detail, every single lie, every single truth, every hurt. forgiving came easy but forgetting is always the hardest part. i'm not forgetting, no, i don't think i'll ever completely forget, but where would always remembering take me?

i'm slowly picking up the pieces. i'm almost getting there. i've dwelled on many things and have damaged myself many times. but i don't want to do that anymore. i don't want to drive myself into regrettably losing everything.

so, here's to me. here's to you. here's to us. here's to us moving forward. and here's to us growing together.

and here's to me breathing a little bit better.

the thirty day challenge.

Thought it'd be fun to do this. Will start tomorrow. =)

summer's here.

Summer's here which mean's it's time for some fun.

Here are some of the things I really want to do as of this moment.

LA Zoo.

My supervisor Amber told me that it's been renovated really nicely and I haven't been there in AGES.

I'm really curious to see how it looks now, since the last time I went my brother was like...five years old.

SD Zoo.

Okay, so I've never been to San Diego, and I keep hearing that the zoo over there is AMAZING.

So, naturally, I want to put that on my summer list. Maybe even go to Sea World.

Kill three birds with one stone, lol.

bastard artist.

bastard artist, marco romano bhimani.

he's one of my favorite photographers.

check him out. don't be shy.

you can thank me later.

5.

Write about the time you lost your virginity.

Hannah:

I remember not having too much thought about it, actually. In retrospect, I think I was a little bit crazy. Maybe it was how it was supposed to happen. Maybe it was the intoxication. Maybe it was just the way my life was going then.

In any case, right now, I don’t think maybes really matter.

But let me tell you from the beginning.

I met him…at a party. A party I wasn’t supposed to go to. I’d lied to my parents about going to SD for the weekend with the music label I interned for. In truth, I was gonna stay at my friends' house and party with them.

Yeah, I know.

Anyway, I had no idea about who he was. Haven’t even heard of him prior to that night. But, he was friends with my friends and that’s why he was there.

I remember when he first walked in the house, I kept wanting to get another look at him. I’m the queen of nonchalance but I think I kind of betrayed my reputation in that hour I tried to act uninterested in anyone but my friends.

Then the intoxication kicked in and somehow I ended up next to him on the couch. I don’t know who initiated it, but we started to kiss and then BAM! A night-long makeout session ensued. I bit and nibbled at him and kissed him more than I have ever kissed anyone in my life. Me and him were practically glued together that night—I don’t think we ever broke away from each other except when we had to use the restroom. I couldn’t keep my hands off him and he drove me crazy with his touch.

He asked for my BBM pin and we exchanged contact information—in my head I highly doubted that we’d even talk after that party. Him and I would just be forgotten strangers among the many names in each other’s phones. But, what the heck. Ain’t no harm in it.

Fast-forward three weeks from then and you have us in my roommate’s room, making out on the bed.

She was out of town for the week and I had just moved in the same house he and I had met in. I was out in the living room at the time but she let me stay in her room while she was gone. Fine by me.

I remember feeling his hardness through his jeans on my thigh as we were making out with him on top of me. I don’t know what made me say it, but I whispered, “You can do it, if you want.”

I say I must have been crazy because 1) I’ve never made out with a stranger before I made out with him at that party. That was something I never even dreamed of doing. 2) I’ve never letanyone touch me in the way he did. Ever. Not even my one ex-boyfriend touched me in such a fashion when we were together. I’ve always made it a point to keep my distance from men. And 3) he wasn’t even my boyfriend—we weren’t really even dating and I totally just gave him permission to deflower me. I’ve always set this personal standard where I wouldn’t have sex with whoever I was with until after a year had passed. And in just a moment I totally said the words that contradicted my own logic.

I mean, it’s not that I cared at all for my virginity. I never regarded it so highly, never thought to abstain until vows were exchanged, and I didn’t abhor premarital sex. Virginity wasn’t all that important to me. I just couldn’t stand the thought of wasting my time on someone unworthy of opening up to. Pun intended.

But there I was. Moving a little too fast and a little too sudden with someone I had no real clue about.

I remember he kept asking me if I was sure. He was a bit hesitant and kept…asking.

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

There I went again. Did I mean it? I don’t know. I don’t know what I was thinking then.

And then it’s all a blur. Pants came off, along with boxers and panties. An awkward moment of silence. The smell of latex and lube. Then pain.

It wasn’t as horrifying as every girl around me made it seem. Although it hurt, it didn’t hurtthat much; I didn’t feel like my insides were being torn. But then again, I have a high tolerance to pain (which explains my biting fetish). It was bearable.

I remember lying there feeling a little awkward at the lack of pleasure I was feeling (so, were all those pornstars faking it or does pleasure come after the first few times you fuck?). I remember feeling so foreign and detached after he was done. Yes, I bled, but the sheets weren’t drenched in blood like every girl around me made me imagine.

After cleaning up, we sat on the bed and went about as if nothing really happened. As if he didn’t just pump himself inside me and as if I didn’t just hand him my v-card.

I didn’t feel any strong attachment to him. I didn’t feel like he had to hand me a ring and give me his last name. I didn’t feel like I fell in love. I didn’t feel any different, I felt the same. Except a little sore between my legs.

But I laughed a lot easier with him after that.

Jonathan:

Kiss.

Remove clothing.

Insertion.

I’m supposed to write about my first time.

Kiss.

Remove clothing.

Insertion.

The point being is to let you in, reveal how I felt and how I feel about it now. But this is what I remember about it.

Kiss.

Remove clothing.

Insertion.

It wasn’t special. It wasn’t horrible.

Kiss.

Remove clothing.

Insertion.

No fireworks or anything. Just jittery nerves.

Kiss.

Saliva.

Remove clothing.

Confusion.

Insertion.

Disappointment.

Kiss.

Remove clothing.

Insertion.

I’m not bitter about it. I don’t regret anything. All I’m saying is that yeah, it meant a lot to me then. But now, all I want to remember about it is

Kiss.

Remove clothing.

Insertion.