30DAYCHALLENGE--011.

excuse the dirty mirror, lol.

11. Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

Officially, Sean and I have been together for a little over six months now, but we were dating (if you could call it that) for about a year and three months prior to making our status official. That year and three months was definitely tumultuous; it was especially heartbreaking and dramatic in the last six months of that time frame... Maybe that's why it feels brand new right now. In any case, things have changed and though it was kind of rocky the first three months of official boyfriend-girlfriend status (for obvious reasons), we're going on strong now. We've been living together for a while and we've been growing together.

tumbl down.

i've been neglecting this for tumblr.

i don't know, i post more free-think stuff here.

but read my latest navales-song exercise there.

no need to follow though--i hate that tumblr is one big popularity contest.

suicide note.

I guess.. I guess this is the end.

This isn't unfamiliar at all; I've been here before, haven't I? Except this time around I'm actually scribbling more than just a well-meditated "I'm sorry", sitting at my desk and trying to write my best explanation + apology combination that would let everyone feel a little less guilty, a little less angry. I guess there's also a part of me that wants to be understood, until the very end.

I'm not happy. To be honest, I don't think I know what it means to be happy. Deep down inside, I just don't feel it. I don't know if it's because I'm not letting myself to or because I'm just completely hopeless.

I don't want to play the blame game, not in my last hour. I don't want to sit here and cry about the things that have ultimately led me to this very point. But I have to offer up some kind of reasoning behind my motive here, and the more I try to think, the more I realize that this isn't because I was raped and molested when I was six. This isn't because I have an abusive father. This isn't because I have a just-barely-there relationship with my mother. This isn't about any of those things at all, even though those things kind of chip away at my heart and soul to this very day.

This is because I feel stuck. I'm stuck. I'm stuck between being the daughter my father wants me to be and striving towards what I want to do and what I want to be. I'm stuck between trying to be the daughter I once was to my mother before I worked so hard to appeal to my father and dismissing her as someone who, ultimately, still thinks she's twenty-five years old. I'm stuck between being a good sister to my prepubescent thirteen year old brother and holding a grudge against him for being my father's favorite kid who never had to go through as much physical and emotional abuse as I have. I'm stuck between jobs, I'm stuck in this God-awful financial predicament of mine, I'm stuck. I'm stuck inside this body and this mind that just doesn't know how to let things go.

I'm stuck. And the more I analyze everything, the more I realize I'm suffocating with my own life. With the things I leave in the back burner. With the people I meet that only fade away, with the friends I can't even manage to keep up with.

Blame it on my religionless existence. I have no use for faith in superior beings or of a son who resurrected after three days, or a messiah to patiently wait for. They're all theories. Maybe, maybe ultimately that's the reason why I feel like living is pointless because we all die anyway. Maybe that's the reason why I find no joy.

But even if I did believe, and I did have faith...if my heart's not in it, if my very being is asphyxiating, what then?

Writing exercise #1, thank you Laura Camilia Chau.

30DAYCHALLENGE--010.

10. Your views on alcohol and drugs.

We all have our vices and truth be told, I'll be damned if I said I haven't had my fair share of partying like an animal. I've been drinking since I was fourteen. It's not something to be proud of, I know, and I'm not particularly fond of my delinquent past. To be honest, how I managed to graduate high school, or even live for that matter, evades me. I was almost always drunk during school hours, my alcoholic binge starting as early as 7:30 in the morning (oh, that orange juice and tequila combination was my breakfast for a good while, along with many other concoctions as well), and I went through photography class with many trips to the darkroom to chug my vodka-strawberry lemonade. Strangely enough, I've never smoked reefer or dabbled with any other substance other than alcohol. I say it's strange because there was a boom in crystal meth abuse in my high school years and most of my friends were sniffing the ice in textbooks during class. I don't know, their glazed looks always kind of scared me then.

30DAYCHALLENGE--009.

9. Your last kiss.

my last kiss

was given to me

this morning

by my lover.

to start my days

and end my nights

with his kiss...

<3

first post from my phone.

i recently downloaded the blogger application on my phone and this is the first time i'm using it. usually i'm kind of ocd about the way my blogposts look so i'm curious to see what it looks like if posted from this droid-contraption of mine.

anyway, a picture of olivia to start the day! i'm over at my nannying job right now and we're watching tangled =) i've grown to love this little girl. as you can see, she's always on the move, haha.

so, in a bout of bad writer's block i asked on twitter and facebook (via status update and tweet), to suggest some writing topics for me.

i got some good ones and i'll be posting them here when i'm done. in the mean time, here's a list of what they are:

- suicide note, laura chau.
- heartbreak, mike pen.
- polygamy/mcdonald's dollar menu/lysol, gee.
- confusion, bernadette vito.

plus i have a new topic from the writing exercise i'm doing with jonathan (who i lovingly call 'navales').
it's a pretty good one and i'm excitedddd.

and i have a few nwc goodies on the way, yay!

30DAYCHALLENGE--008.

It's the first of the month, everyone!

I can't believe it's already September--this year's been going by quick. Last night I started a little writing exercise & had people give me topics to write about. I'll be posting them up here soon--I'd start tonight but I'll be over at Grand Star Jazz Club in Chinatown to catch the music video release party of Balance and the Traveling Sounds, a band I wrote about a short while ago on Light Meets Night. Yes, I'll be covering the event for the site, along with LMN editor Sothan, and we'll both be equipped with cameras to document. I'm excited to meet the band members and even more stoked to see them live. Yes, they're really that good. Impressed me quite a bit with their Daft Punk cover.

And yes, I've been striking up a relationship with my old lover insomnia again. She's been settling in and keeping me up with stories of how things used to be (before my boyfriend came into my life and sang me lullabies and held me to sleep), trying to convince me to get back with her. As you can kind of tell, I haven't been rejecting the idea and kind of went on a couple dates. I especially love insomnia because she's a freak and always wants to engage in a menage-à-trois with me and creativity. Gotta love the freaks.

Anyway, here's Challenge Number Eight: