30DAYCHALLENGE--012.

12. Things you want to say to an ex.

well, truthfully, i only have one ex,

and most times i don't even consider him one.

we were only together for one month,

maybe two,

and it was such a bad idea.

however, i do want to tell him

and explain to him why i was so horrible.

you see, back then, i was deathly afraid of men,

because of the things i went through

when i was younger.

i was clearly fucked in the head,

but was selfish enough to want

someone to want me,

someone to hold me,

someone to care for me,

when i wasn't anywhere near ready

to handle that kind of commitment.

i tensed at his touch,

cringed at his attempts for affection,

and i couldn't bring myself to let him in.

i took his want to be with me

and twisted it into clinginess,

and in truth, he was a little clingy,

but not as much as i took him to be.

i failed to realize that he needed someone,

and that he had issues too,

and that i should have been understanding of that

and at least try to be a little nicer...

i was horrible and i played out my inner turmoil

on him,

instead of learning to deal,

or being mature enough to understand

that i wasn't able to handle an emotional investment

in those days.

instead i bickered,

fought,

belittled,

and neglected him.

i was hot

and cold

never warm

and for that

i want to apologize.

because now,

i realize

just how much he cared for me,

respected me,

and, yes, loved me,

(something i brutally dismissed

whenever he'd work up the courage

to tell me so)

and i now realize

that i had failed to see

what i had back then

because i was too blinded

by my own past.

so, friend, if i can call you that,
i want to thank you,
because without our unhealthy relationship,
i would have never figured out
that i was that badly affected
by things that happened so long ago.
and friend, i hope you are happy,
that you've found a girl who completes you,
a girl who understands what you need
and will see you through, thick and thin.
i hope life treats you well,
and maybe, well maybe we can
hang out at your front porch
and talk about art and music,
politics and society,
just like we used to
before we hoped to be
each other's lover.