habits

some habits are formed from when we're very young,
while others become a part of us as we grow.
there are good ones and bad ones,
ones that benefit you and ones you can really do without.
most times, they gradually become a part of your life
without you even thinking twice about it.

i have a few habits myself and among them
are a couple i much rather wouldn't admit to.
this is about one i picked up three years ago,
a habit that drove me crazy yet i indulged in masochistically
but i guess it's like that with every bad habit we come across.

i don't know exactly what happened along the way,
but an epiphany hit me in the gut while i was distracted.
sometimes, you have to take a step back
and outside of yourself to see things more clearly.

oftentimes, we're so caught up
with trying to understand what's
beyond our comprehension
with wondering about a different outcome
under very different situations
with turning over every memory trying to
figure out why we ignored the signs
with over-analyzing and internalizing
the way we feel about things
and with constantly repeating the words
we (sometimes regretfully but graciously) left unsaid.

i found myself obsessing over something
whose expiration date has long since passed
not because i was still affected by it or
because i wasn't particularly over it but merely
because it was something i've grown used to.
and, of course, once i found myself in front of
what i've habitually sought out, a slew of
unpleasant comparisons and unanswered questions
(questions i know will never be answered to my satisfaction)
would bombard me and...well, make me feel like shit.

it's no secret that i've become
incredibly great at mulling over issues that pain me most,
but how (and why) i've managed to go on with this
particular issue for so long escapes me.

and now, much like all habits, good or bad,
there comes a time where we grow out of them
maybe it's because we've become more mature
maybe because we see how much it harms us
maybe because we trade one for another, or maybe
it's because we realize that it really doesn't do anything for us.

so you go on and cut it out
and it's hard at first, but gradually
you get the hang of it,
you get better at refraining,
and then it's like it never existed in your life.

we're only human, we make mistakes,
however what matters most is whether or not
we learn and adjust to the lessons/experiences we gain.

one of the hardest things to do is to
recognize these faults within ourselves,
admit to them and make a change.
it's easier to just ignore them,
find a scapegoat and/or
self-righteously justify yourself..
but that's what sets adults apart from adolescents.