Tuesday, May 3, 2011

rebounds? i don't think so.

I don't believe in rebounds.

Oh, sure, my experiences regarding the opposite sex (when it comes to relationships) are limited, if existent at all. I mean, I've barely stepped into my first serious relationship at the age of twenty-one and he's the only "notch in my bedpost". I didn't really start dating until I was seventeen or so, and the furthest I've ever went with a guy (before my boyfriend) was one drunken handjob that just...happened (seriously, I don't even know how it even came to play at the time). However, it would be a lie if I said I didn't go through a lot in that short of a time span (I laugh at my three year dating career). Like everything else about my life, it's been kind of...chaotic. But that's what makes me that much more interesting, I guess.

Before I go any further, let me shed a little light on my history.

I'm a girl with daddy issues. The kind of daddy issues that can only be given by a father who lowkey resented his daughter's sex, had an explosive (and abusive) temper, and who was never...really there. (I mean, come on, my mom had to go back to Korea, with little baby-me in her arms, to get him to come out to the U.S. several months after I was born.) I never really had a good male figure in my life, with the exception of my beloved grandfather (may he rest in peace), plus it really fucked me in the head when I figured out that I was repeatedly raped when I was about six (eight years after it actually happened). Just some real fucked up shit that really fucked with my head, especially during my adolescent years. Because of the two factors, I've always just kept my emotional distance from males, yet always ended up preferring males when it came to making friends (due to the fact that my dad kind of...raised me as a son so I always got along with males better). I guess I was subconsciously on some "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" type of shit. You know, kept my guard up but familiarized myself with their ways... Anyway, I didn't realize it then but, I was terrified of men. Terrified of what they're capable of since I've experienced it first-hand.

Until I fell in love, that is.

Yes, it was indeed unrequited (so does that in turn make that love invalid?). I was masochistic enough to fall for boys I knew I couldn't have. A very twisted way of ensuring that I wouldn't get hurt (although it hurt to love from a distance, anyway). It made sense, at the time.

He was my best friend in high school, and I was absolutely nuts about him. Too bad he had a girlfriend who was a close friend of mine who considered me her best friend. Yeah, I know. I hurled myself into a love triangle, though no one really knew about the way I felt. Yes, super fucked in the head. And sick. Do you know how hard it is to be secretly in love with your best friend and listen to/witness all the minute details of his relationship that was oh-so willingly provided by his girlfriend? I sat through it all for a year and a half. Masochistic.

But the end of high school was fast approaching and I was driving myself crazier and crazier through this situation. Finally, I decided that enough was enough. It was time I found someone of my own.

This is where I draw the line back to the point of this post: I don't believe in rebounds.

Now, this is where C enters the scene, stage left. With C, I learned three huge relationship no-nos. 1) Never date a co-worker, 2) don't enter a relationship you're sure as hell not nearly ready for, and 3) never use a relationship as a means to get over someone else (rebound).

My relationship with C was a very brief one (it lasted only one month), and very tumultuous (I broke his heart several times in that short time frame..I mean, despite the fact that he himself had mommy issues and told me he loved me two weeks into the relationship...). He was a co-worker who happened to have the biggest crush on me (god knows why) and I snatched that opportunity to relieve myself of the burden that was my hopelessness for my best friend. I mean, why not? He was cute, made me laugh, it wouldn't be so bad, right? Wrong.

Being with C made me realize just how terrified I was of males and oftentimes I cringed whenever he touched me. It wasn't that I was disgusted with the thought of him, it was because I was uncomfortable with the physical closeness and the emotional dependency. Mind you, men have done nothing but damage me before  I jumped into this pool of relationship behavior and my first instinct was to protect myself. In addition, I was too independent and too used to my singularity that the idea of sharing half of myself was very foreign. And, yes, I unjustly projected my fears and suspicions out on poor unsuspecting C. I treated him like shit, point blank.

And when we would hang out with my best friend? I was nothing short of negligent of C and totally didn't give a rat's ass about him whenever my best friend was around. Total bitch. I don't blame his friends for having a great dislike for me, even though back then I thought they were all fucking idiots.

I guess this isn't how the story of rebounds normally go, but you can't say that it's not in the same proximity of things. All in all, this is the closest I'll ever get to a rebound experience--I don't want to commit something like that again.

In retrospect, I've hurt C enormously and I am very apologetic about it to this day. Who am I to put anyone through hurt like that? It's really an unpleasant feeling, feeling used, and it doesn't really sit well with anyone's stomach. Who am I to put someone undeserving of such heartbreak through all that bullshit just to feel a little bit better of my own? Besides, if I'm going to spend my time with someone and engage in a relationship with them, why waste my time putting up with someone I don't really care that much about?

I find rebounds to be...very Machiavellian, implied in terms of love and relationships. I don't know, for me, personally, the fact that I've damaged someone in order to heal my own wound just doesn't sit very well with me.

But, hey, to each his own, right?

Anyway, I ended up cutting ties with C and continued to pine away for my best friend for another year and a half or so. Pathetic, I know, but that's just the way it goes. Don't doubt that I've flirted quite a bit (all in the name of fun) and engaged in a few cute flings and broke a few expectant hearts while harboring my best friend in my own blood pump, though.

However, I have to say, karma really bit me in the ass regarding the way I treated C....

But that's just a whole other story, isn't it? Maybe next time.

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