i'm beginning to care way too much about how someone would perceive my writing and that's ultimately the biggest reason why i haven't been updating consistently. i used to blog about anything and everything, but now i find myself second-guessing the topics of my posts and end up neglecting all this entirely. i'm thinking too much about certain pairs of eyes that i know check back and read this blog when i really should just throw out a big 'fuck it' and keep doing what i do.
so this post is just that. a big
fuck it, i'm gonna write what i want to write, fuck what you think.
"I don't care what's right or wrong and I won't try to understand.
Let the Devil take tomorrow, for tonight I need a friend."
I've been in the mood for classic songs lately, songs my mom would sing in the car while driving me to school, reminiscing about her younger days. Of course, back then I sat in the passenger seat, embarrassed that my mom would play her music and not put the radio on blast (I used to think KIIS was the best station, silly me). Kind of throws me into nostalgia and wish that I had appreciated everything a little more. Maybe then I wouldn't really yearn for my younger years as often as I do now.
Anyway, I never understood the meaning of this song when I was younger, but now I realize just how heartfelt this song is. Certainly evokes a sense of tremendous loneliness.. I've listened to the original and the many covers...however, none of them appeal to me in the way Gladys Knight's version does.
"Come and lay down by my side 'til the early morning light.
All I'm taking is your time...help me make it through the night."
to think of what's happened, to remember how everything felt, it's almost like i'm going through everything all over again. i'm not going to deny just how deep it cut me and i'm not going to deny the fact that i thought i was going to die. in those moments, i felt like i was choking with such rage and pain and sadness and betrayal and hate... that was what scared me the most. i never thought i could hate someone so much. i never thought i'd sit and wish that i never met someone, never thought i'd resent the day that we met...it was a lot of powerful, negative feelings that i never dreamed of conjuring up ever again. i mean, truly hating someone like that once in your life is enough, i didn't need to go through something so unpleasant a second time. (honestly, i find that hating someone, at least for me, is very emotionally daunting and doesn't really sit well with my outlook on life, not to mention the fact that it took a very long time to forgive.) and over something so petty? (compared to other shit, this really was nothing.)
sometimes, even the littlest things remind me of it.
it doesn't help that the former other character of the story holds so many similarities to me...to be quite frank it's really uncanny. it's almost to the point where i find myself resenting my own qualities that we both hold similar. but in the end, i always have to remember that i am who i am, and though we may be so alike, we are completely different people.
sometimes, i find myself second-guessing everything.
to be honest, it feels all so sudden how the attitude has changed and how the situation has taken a complete 180 degree turn. it almost gets me to doubt the genuinity of the matter, not to mention the fact that i'm already well-guarded, in case of anything going wrong again.
but then, i realize, sometimes i just have to trust in the flow of things.
things are going to happen, hurt is inevitable and there are just some situations you have no control over but that's the beauty of everything around us. everything is a learning experience, everything happens for a reason.
so, hannah song, don't dwell so much and trust your heart and intuition. stop repressing yourself--what happened to the "i don't give a fuck about what people think" attitude of yours? cease it. it's unbecoming of you.
I got Light Meets Night stickers in the mail, courtesy of Sothan, and I'm super excited to slap them everywhere. I just might start a photo-diary on this blog with my slap-sticker adventure. Maybe upload a picture of the most noteable places I've slapped them on.. Sounds super swaggy.