random saturdays

went to chinatown for some dim sum + xmas shopping with sean & steven.

my friend quinton...

a sneak peek...

i randomly ventured out with my friend/roommate quinton today.

we were being a couple of camera-whores in front of our apartment,

then went out to hollywood and highland to window shop and such.

we almost got into a fight with catwoman! she's a spiteful one.

anyway, today was fun! we're planning a shoot next wednesday.

quinton is a stylist, and a very good one at that. he's my go-to for outfit approvals =)

stay tuned for my mini-shoot with him, and also for our collaboration!

lacma holiday party

every year, lacma throws the best holiday party for its employees (and their +1)

and it's a night filled with free wine, beer, good food (especially desserts),

a mashed potato bar (super yummy!), fun activities and the best raffle for prizes.

last year, there was a handwriting analyst who took a look at the way you wrote,

a lipstick reader who made you put lipstick on and kiss a napkin...

of course, taking a picture with santa is there every year.

this year there was a tarot reader and a caricaturist.

i couldn't get my cards read (the sign up sheet filled up the first thirty minutes)

but waited in line (with success) for an hour to get caricatured.

i think this is the first year i got to do something, haha.

last year and this year i won prizes off the raffle! that never happens to me.

but to happen two years in a row? i'm beginning to think sean brings me luck with these things, haha.

anyway, here's what i wore:

us being weird:

and what we stood in line for the first hour for:

aw, we both have cameras!

bumped into old friends, made new ones,

had a lot of fun with the people in my life now

and i can't wait for next year's party!

30DAYCHALLENGE -- 14.

14. Something disgusting you do.

Well, for one, I pick my boogers when I'm alone.

Sometimes, blowing your nose just doesn't cut it.

For another, I tweet about pooping.

And I'm almost always pooping when I tweet about it, haha.

Oh, and I have a filthy, filthy vocabulary.

Honestly, I can be a very vulgar person all around.

PS) I totally forgot about this exercise that I started, haha.

purgatory, part one.

I strung together the things I left unsaid and let them trail along behind me as I walked down this path, holding his hand and falling in step with him. Maybe I should have went my own way, for a little bit, giving myself time to heal and emerge from the situation with a clearer sense of things. Maybe that way, the emotionally charged run-ins could have been avoided and I could have skipped the part where I proceeded to tear at myself violently. But there is no room for hypothetical what ifs, what's done is done. The only thing left is to extract the lessons it were to teach me, something I haven't bothered to do, for I was too caught up with my own masochism.

I'd be lying if I denied the fact that this opened my eyes to things I never really knew about myself. It also served as a catalyst to the growth I've experienced this year and I can't really decide if it's necessarily good or bad. Things happen for a reason and in the end I'm very happy in our present, filled with hope for our future, but if given the chance to re-do the past two years...would I go through it again?

It's no secret that letting go of the past isn't exactly my forte. I've always held on tightly to the things that broke me, made me cry, conditioning me to be the person I am today. For a long time, I wasn't myself if I didn't have my anger and my sorrows to get me through the day. It drove me, served as my fuel for living, and the success I were to gain from that was going to serve as the best vengeance. So, how would this be any different? If I couldn't even let go of the things that happened to me when I was younger, what made anyone think I'd let go of this?

november, november.

Hello readers!

I'm sorry I haven't been consistent in my posting. I'm getting too comfortable (and also a tad bit lazy) with all the festivities this season brings. I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving and that it was filled with good food, great company, and many memories. I was definitely thankful that I had someone special to share this holiday with and especially thankful that my family and I are in great terms (as opposed to the past two years). Usually this time around the year I'm at my lowest--holidays never really treated me so well for the most part of my life, but I'm glad things have started to look up. I hope that it'll be like this for many more holidays to come!

Anyway, it's about that time I clear out some memory space on my phone and overload you with pictures that show you a glimpse into my life.

First off, this is most of the food I ate throughout this month:

my favorite shirt.

gifs are fun and i look conceited.

i luff you guys.

9.

Topic: Take a picture of yourself and compare it with an old one. Reflect on the things you were going through then and the things you are going through now.

One thing's for sure, I was at my heaviest in weight (around 145-150) back then and now I'm a mere 115.

prelude to purgatory.

purgatory

pur·ga·to·ry [pur-guh-tohr-ee]
adjective: serving to clean, purify or expiate.

it's been too long since i've sulked around,

holding on to things that once broke my heart and spirit,

harboring resentment and ill-will, ultimately preventing my growth.

i have to admit that i haven't let go for my own selfish reasons,

basking in my own anger, severly conflicted and at war with myself.

but now, it's time to grow up.

to move on.

to purge.

because good things are around the corner,

and this time i won't let myself fuck things up out of fear.

numero uno pizza

i forgot i had these!

i was with my best friend gee and his girlfriend lulu to go grab a slice.

i love when i'm chillin with gee, haha.

got a thing for fiona apple-sauce

untitled poem 2

i love hard when i'm treated bad

but when the going's good i deem it too good to last

the deeper it gets

the more i start to fret

raise up my walls

and let the aloofness commence

i'm fucked in the head and swallowed up by the things i think i lack

but how do you tell someone all of that?

the month of october.

i'm not going to deny that october has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster for me. things were fine, pretty good actually, but i have some inner issues i have to work with, but we all knew that i'm pretty fucked up in the head. anyway, i don't have a lot of pictures for this month =( my phone got completely smashed so i had to get a new one--pretty sad that i lost all the epic pictures i had in my old phone but i can't complain about the newer contraption i have in my hands now, haha.

now, onto the pics!

the only two pictures i recovered from my old phone because i twitpic'd them.

went to wolfgang gartner for my friend's star's birthday at the music box in hollywood.

three girls + wolfgang gartner + drinks + the best venue = epic night!

chicken katsu from my favorite katsu spot. trust me when i say it's the BEST katsu EVER.

wavy vs. straight

my hair's growing longer and my patience with it is getting shorter.

i don't really like long hair, i prefer it short--very short. androgynous short.

because i love androgyny. it's a good look on me.

but i have to wait until i can donate these locks.

so, in the meantime, i'll be playing around with it a lot to fight my boredom.

i look older with straight hair. should i just get rid of my perm?

lazy, lazy.

it's been harder and harder for me to get up at 7:30AM.

it's 12:06PM now, and I've been up for about three hours.

so far, i've only gotten one thing done out of my errands.

anyway, today's to-do list:

(funny how i tend to be the busiest on my day off)

• go to csula to turn in paperwork for transcripts
• finish up the dj vick one interview/article for swagg news
• go to the bank, deposit skrilla
• go to t-mobile and handle new-phone business
• meeting with sina and new girl regarding company 
• send out babe events e-mails, etc
• start on the ninth navales-song writing exercise (self-portrait + writing)
• buy disposable camera to start project 

yes, i'm still in my pjs. yes, i'm procrastinating.

big fucking time.

i wasn't kidding when i said i need better time management.

tim burton tickets.

this was only half of the tim burton tickets i had.

they were extras from the program i was working for,

& for three days straight i had extra tickets to give away for free.

now they're just going to the trash.

nabokov.

i've been neglecting a lot of things because of this here book.

this is my latest read and i can't quite put it down, even though it's not really for the faint of heart.

i can't wait to finish it so i can finally watch stanley kubrik's interpretation of it. 

oh, and my phone broke yesterday. i'm so kawawa.

i had super epic pictures to load for my monthly camera-phone adventure update.

anway, i have a lot of goodies i've been working on:

the latest navales-song writing exercise,

plus a few interviews i have to transcribe,

came in contact with a lot of artists for an interview...

i just, again, need to learn how to manage my time a little better.

chado tea room, little tokyo.

sean and i went to chado tea room in little tokyo last sunday (oct. 2) while biking around dtla...

we went from our house to chinatown (dim sum picnic for brunch!), olvera street, and made a stop here.

honestly, it seems like our place of choice is little tokyo as of late.

hello, tumblr.

a while back, my coworker albert told me i should make 

an image-based blog for my photography. instead, i made a facebook "like" page.

and, of course, after a short while i totally neglected it and didn't think twice.

then, it dawned on me while perusing through tumblr that i should have

used that site for my images the whole fucking time.

hannah song. sometimes...sigh.

so yeah. it took forever to find the theme i wanted to use (since i'm super picky-ocd)

but i FINALLY FOUND THE ONE I ABSOLUTELY LOVE and bam.

i really love this picture. & yes, click it and it'll direct you to my tumblr.

enjoy. i'm gonna be throwing up a lot of pictures there.

heartbreak.

it's the one familiar feeling you've experienced but it hurts each and every time. you'd think you'd get used to it by now, grow numb to it, but no. it's as if it's cutting deeper and deeper with each effort you make to love someone. sometimes it would be your fault, sometimes you would be the victim, but it didn't matter, it hurt all the same. the excruciating pain that came with each blow, the guilt of knowing that you put someone else through what feels like death each and every time...either way it hurt--there was never a winning situation. the choice of winning just didn't co-exist with heartbreak.

so, here you are, sitting on your bed feeling like you can't move on just yet, and you've lost count of how many nights you spent like that, feeling like there's still a little hope you can hold on to. everything in your room just reminds you of the person you once shared yourself with, and your mind goes through every memory of when you both were one person. striving for the same goals, dreaming the same dream, supporting each other, working out your differences and growing together.

you want to figure out just where the two of you went wrong, so you sit and go through every possible scenario, suddenly remembering all the fights you've had in great detail, suddenly remembering all the mean things you've said or the mean things they've said. and you're angry, all over again. you're angry at the fact that you let those small things disturb the steady flow of your relationship, angry the the two of you even blew certain things up out of proportion...just angry. angry and regretful and full of sorrow and pining all at the same time.

you stare at the phone, expecting a call or even just a short text from them, debating whether or not you want to call or text. the time reads 10:00, and usually around this time the two of you would be talking on the phone about your days, what they were doing right now, the things you were thinking about, the plans for tomorrow. but instead, it's quiet in your room. too quiet. and the silence drives you crazy.

so you call them, out of habit and a little desperate to shed this feeling of loneliness, each ring just makes your heart pound in anticipation. you expect their voice any second, that familiar "hello" that just seems to make you feel at ease every time you hear it.

instead, there's no answer. and you just listen to the call switching over to their voicemail, your heart breaking again when you hear their voice telling you that they're not able to answer the phone right now but to leave a message so that they can get back to you.

so you turn to music. almost subconsciously and automatically, you turn to the songs that put your currently emotional state into lyrics of another, someone who can sing the hurt in your heart a bit better than you can. you can't stand the thought of being so melancholy, but you can't help but to linger on these sad melodies.

days pass, your nights spent the same way. it hurts even more because you see them, you share the same friends, the same spots to hang out in. yet you go anyway, a bit masochistic, because you're determined to keep things smooth. determined to keep them in your life, even if it's not the way you want it to be. it's better to be friends than to be strangers, right?

you die a little inside, each and every time. you feel like you'll never be the same again, never partake in love again. but then you realize, slowly, surely, that it gets easier. it gets easier to say hello. easier to look at them. easier to smile, easier to converse, easier to be around, easier to laugh with.

a little more time passes by and you realize that you're okay, you can breathe. one day, it just dawns on you that the person you once thought was your all, your everything--you don't think of them like that anymore. the feeling, it's not there anymore, it's gone, and all it left behind were good memories, you can't even think of the bad. not that you want to. or that you had to. it just...didn't matter.

you sift through those memories every now and then and when you remember, it's just pleasant nostalgia. and you think that though it may have not worked out the way the both of you wanted, you're now glad to have remained friends. you're glad, because through it all, you both grew together, while apart, and it just works out better this way.

mending your heart, you move on, you take the love you once had and lost, you take that love and you move on.


and then you find love again. and it's even more beautiful.

Writing exercise #2, Mike Pen. This one proved to be a little difficult.

breakfast at tiffany's.

Paul: You know what’s wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You’re chicken. You got no guts. You’re afraid to stick your chin out and say, “Okay, life’s fact.” People do fall in love. People do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness. You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing. You’re terrified somebody’s going to stick you in a cage. Well baby, you’re already in the cage. You built it yourself. And it’s not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It’s wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.

tanabata festival, little tokyo.

yesterday, sean and i went on a random adventure in little tokyo and we chanced upon the tanabata festival while waiting to be seated at shabu shabu house (the best spot for shabu shabu, by the way). as explained in the picture above, people write their wishes on tanzaku paper and hang them onto trees (entwined in bamboo) with other decorations. we both took the time to read the wishes people wrote down and it definitely gave me an intimate look into their anonymous lives. some of them even got me a little teary...

my september album.

DISCLAIMER: This post contains 100+ pictures of the things that have occured last month.

September's been a really good one for me, surprising since my birthmonth never really runs smoothly.

Anyway, I just came back from the Eagle Rock Music Fest--super epic.

Low End Theory KILLED it. Pictures + article will be up on LMN super soon.

done by valentina. blind contour portrait, tempura + crayola marker on all media paper.

8.

Topic: You're about to tell your significant other that you're seeing someone else. The thought process before that, and the conversation if you'd like.

Hannah:

i’m guilty. i’m guilty and i am a hypocrite.

i’ve done what i’ve never thought i was capable of.

what i’ve adamnantly said i’d never do.

where’s my confidence in that now?

gone.

i’ve met someone, i’ve been creeping but..i didn’t mean to.

it was just..i didn’t..i can’t even..

i mean, it was friendly, he was friendly, and we hung out a few times.

i didn’t think anything of it until..until..well, until he kissed me.

and i kissed back.

i don’t know what came over me.

flustered and confused, i rushed out of there, went straight home.

straight home to him.

and he asked what was wrong, and i don’t remember what i told him.

everything after the kiss was just a blur.

and i should’ve told him.

it was wrong of me not to.

and i should’ve stayed away…

but i didn’t.

i went back.

i wanted to know him more.

and it’s wrong…so wrong.

but…but i swear, i didn’t mean to hurt him.

i didn’t mean to do this to him.

i didn’t mean to put him in the shoes i were in with him.

i didn’t.

and i know there’s nothing i can say.

nothing.

i hate that i’m putting him through this.

i hate that i’m causing him this hurt.

and i hate that i’m going see the heartbreak in his eyes as i tell him.

now i know how this guilt feels.

now i know.

but i wish i didn’t.

i’d rather die than feel this.

Jonathan:

Here’s one: Two old fellows sit on a park bench. The tall one says to the short one, “Y’know, I’ve have a lot of regrets in my life, but the biggest one was that I didn’t find myself a wife.” 

“No kidding?” says the short guy. 

“Yup, never married. Didn’t see the point,” says the tall one. 

The short fellow says, “Y’know, I was married once.” 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yeah, a really beautiful looking broad. She was short and blonde and really nice like. She was the sweetest thing in the world. Never gave me any lip, did what she was told. And every day I’d get home from work, she’d have a beer waiting for me.” 

“That sounds great.” 

“Not only that, but she’d rub my feet for me. And she was a great great cook. Everyday, I’d come home to a feast she had made just for me. Anything I wanted, anytime.” 

“She sounds like a dream.” 

“She was. Whenever I needed tending to, she’d just hop right on it. Like a pogo stick. Anytime, any place. She was wild.” 

“She sounds perfect,” says the tall guy. “What happened with you two?” 

“I divorced her.” 

“Why? Was she two-timing you?” 

“No.” 

“Did she nag or anything?” 

“Not at all.” 

“Then why in the world would you divorce her?” 

“She had really bad breath.” 

Here’s another:  

My best friend wanted a dog for Christmas. It was all he could talk about, for months and months. On and on about this damn dog. About proper training and how he got the custom leash and how he built the doghouse. So Christmas rolls around, his parents get him the stupid dog. Loves it for a two days and then sold the dog, the training books, the custom leash, and the doghouse for the 50 bucks just to get rid of it. 

Do you see the pattern here? I don’t know what it is, I don’t really get why, but it seems that we have this pathological need to fuck things up. 

I’m thinking I fucked things up. Really badly. 

And I’m not really sure why. I don’t know why I do half the things I do.  

She’s gonna cry and I’m going to the reason for that and decent people care about that sort of thing, so I think I’d feel bad. I’m thinking she’s gonna slap me, or throw a drink in my face (for theatrics), and then storm off. But not really storm off, slowly storm off. Enough for me to hold her arm. She wants me to grovel and beg for forgiveness. And I’ll probably do it with the drink in my face and everything, cause decent people care about that sorta thing. I’m gonna tell her that Number 2 means absolutely nothing. Which is true. 

When you go for this sort of thing, one would think you would go for someone that, y’know, is slightly better than the one you’re currently with. That’s why you’re doing it cause the you’ve weighed the options, calculated the odds, and this NEW thing is better for some reason than that OLD thing. But that doesn’t apply here. Number 2 is a pain-in-the-ass jealous idiot. Unlikable, untrusting, un-EVERYTHING. And I fucked her numerous times for some reason. God. 

The problem with us, is this perpetual Grass-is-Greener-I-want-things-I-don’t-have thing. This thing that makes us reach for the cookie jar even if we’re not hungry. This thing fucks everything up. So when she’s crying and making a scene, and while I’m making my best sad face and saying, “but I love you!” with my best ‘my heart is breaking’ intonation, I’m thinking, this is the most I’ll ever want her. I want to hug and kiss and have sex and hold her hand more than I’ve ever wanted to before, only cause in the back of my head I know I’ll never get to again.

sushi gen, little tokyo.

the night before my birthday, sean and i looked for a new sushi spot to try for my pre-birthday dinner, one that was closer to where we lived since for sushi we've been going to pasadena (sushi roku) and san marino (yoshida's). after a few minutes perusing through yelp, we decided to try sushi gen, in little tokyo. honestly, it's the best place we've been to yet, and i wish i could start my morning off with their toro sashimi (soooo good!). (thank you, love, for this awesome experience!)

nigori sake and echigo beer.

sweet shrimp sushi and toro sashimi.

kaimonet workshop.

my lovely friend kai had her first workshop over the weekend

and made feather necklaces that turned into headbands.

i went over to take some pictures and hang out with a few of my favorite people.

no york.

blu's no york demos, released by warner bros, courtesy of bossman mainframe.

waiting.

your long

work days make me feel distant from you.
like the lack of waking hours we spend together aren't nearly enough.

so much i want to do, so much i want to share,
but how can i when you're asleep, catching up on time you lose due to work?

of course, it's not something i can really hold against you.
however, if i told you this, would you dismiss it as something trivial?

Written on September 19, 2011

kat.

my friend kat.

she's a lovely writer.

gold shoes.

ten dollar gold shoes i wore on the way to meet my friend kat, taken on the bus.

i know.

Written on August 29, 2011

i know what it's like to be lied to, to be ignored, to be denied the existence of...i know. i know how it feels to be second best, to be the other girl, the one he cheats on another with. i know what it's like to be kept in the dark about what's really going on, what it's like to say "i love you" to someone and how your heart feels when all you get is a heavy silence on the other line. i know. all the things a girl shouldn't go through, the things a girl can do without, i know how they feel.

but would i change anything?

that's the question i can't seem to answer after so long.

confusion.

Written on February 23, 2010

You know, I seem to be spiraling down deeper and deeper into confusion when it comes to my sense of identity as the days go by. Who I was before last November is now a stranger to myself, and the firm grip I had on my dreams have loosened a considerable (and also a slightly frightening) amount. I guess this is a phase that everybody goes through at one point in their lives, and I know that this just means that I have to take time to try and figure myself out and reacquaint myself to the same (yet slightly modified) ideals I once had. It’s just that right now, I can’t seem to put a finger on who I was and who I want to be.

However, I’m not wholly confused. I know the exact reason why I feel like this. Ever since I got over the childhood trauma (that remained a chip on my shoulder for fourteen plus years) in November, the person I was before then just didn’t seem to go with the new chapter of my life. I was angry, hurt, cynical, vindictive, and totally fucked in the head because of the things I went through and because of the less-than-ideal childhood/teenage years I’ve experienced, and all that just doesn’t go with the way I look at things now. I was a mess because I had no idea how to handle all that negativity in my life, and because of the fact that I just didn’t know how to let my past go. I was driven and ambitious because of the fact that I wanted to prove all the doubters wrong, because I wanted to show them that I am worthwhile, contrary to what they think. My sense of direction only existed because I wanted to prove something toother people and not to myself, when I’ve been, and am, all those things all along.

And now, after learning the most difficult lesson of forgiveness and finally ceasing to let my past define who I am and how I think, I’m kind of lost. I have no reason to be angry anymore, no reason for the cynicism I once had, and no reason to accomplish success as a means of vengeance. So…who am I now, exactly? How am I not supposed to feel confused when those three qualities have defined me for so long? And, quite frankly, all this freedom I’ve gained from moving out of my parents’ is getting to my head. I’ve forgotten what crucial steps I need to take in order to achieve what I want to achieve. I’ve gotten so comfortable with my laziness, it’s kind of sickening.

I guess I just have to look at this period of my life as a form of…rebirth. I guess this just means that I have to take time to reevaluate everything I’ve once known and modify them to fit the life I have now chosen to lead. And as a writer, I have to go out and look for new things to write about, because always writing about rape, abuse and unrequited love can get a little tiring.

thankful.

Written on November 26, 2009

As crazy as this year has been (especially towards the end), I'm thankful for everything that's happened. This Thanksgiving has got to be the most bittersweet Thanksgiving I've ever experienced in my 20 years of life.

First off, I want to thank my blood family, immediate and extended. Though there were plenty of hard times, tears, and unwanted memories, I wouldn't be who I am without the (sometimes twisted) nurturing of each and every member. I love and hate you all, no doubt about that.

Second, I want to thank my D-Fam and GP Fam. I don't need to name any names, you all know who you are. I'm very grateful for all of you. It's really been a crazy year, from start to finish, and I'm thankful for having each and every one of you here with me to see me through the tough and easy times. I can't ask for better friends, for better people to call family. I really love you all. Each and every one of you, different and like as you all are, were much needed influences (good and bad) in my life.

Third, I want to thank life. I'm still living, still breathing, still here. I'm striving. I want to thank every boss, every superior, every opportunity that came my way, for seeing potential in me and letting me work alongside your talented, very gifted, selves.

Thank you all. I don't think I can say it enough. Thank you.

changes.

Written on November 17, 2009

Big changes, big changes occuring in my life right now.

Officially, as of today, I am no longer a prisoner of my father's household. I was told to leave the house on Sunday night, went over after school to pick up my stuff and unload it at Dobbs (nickname of the place I'm staying now) last night, and I woke up in my new home this morning. Crazy shit, right? Not really.

I always knew that it was going to come down to this, that the day I leave is the day that I never talk to my dad ever again. I knew that no matter how I left, I would always be on bad terms with my dad. Not that it bothers me too much; he was never really there for me in the first place, and I always held down my own from the day that I was legally allowed to work. I think I'm just more worried for my little brother and my mom the most. Otherwise, it just felt so natural waking up in this apartment.

However, it is a sudden move, no matter how you think about it. I'm just fortunate to have planned it out with Mia (my sister from another mister, foreal though, God bless her) in advance before the bomb was officially dropped.

I was actually supposed to move in next March, once I had everything figured out financially and such, and I was dead set on living with her.

I should probably start from the reason WHY I moved out.

My dad gave me an ultimatum, telling me that I either have to live by his rules, his way, and become the person he wants me to be (which is the one type of person I don'twant to be) or leave the house. And I, being the stubborn "I'm-going-to-stick-to-my-dreams" type of person I am, chose to leave. I guess my dad didn't really process the fact that I'm as stubborn as he is and didn't think that I'd really go. He seemed really shocked that I actually packed that Sunday night and came to pick all my stuff up.

Not that I care, but I'm just immersed in the sad humor of it all.

Ultimately, it was a move that I had to make, and was going to make anyway. I'm just really glad that I have supportive and caring friends all around me to help me through this shit, to really believe in me achieving my dreams.

I'm grateful for this change. It's not easy, but I'm intent on making this shit work. This is a prelude to the big FUCK YOU I'll be sending out to all you doubters out there.

-hannahrenee.

blessed.

Written on November 13, 2009

Times like these make me realize just how fortunate I am, in most aspects of life. I mean, sure, there could be a few improvements here and there...but overall I'm very content. I'm glad that things didn't go "according to plan" (which says quite a bit because of the fact that I am a big "planner"), and I'm so glad that things went awry when they did. Those little moments of negativity which we so hate are the moments that make you realize just how big the positive things are.

Just remember, having no control over your life is a very beautiful thing.

-hannahrenee.

change.

Written on November 7, 2009

There's something in the air that's different, something that's been altered in one fell swoop. It's a bit...unexpected, yet welcomed, and it dawns a new realization within me. I have never really...let myself feel this way before. The emotional handicap I've Tumbl'd about earlier this year? That damn parking boot on the wheel of my life? It's been...somewhat removed. That fear that boiled deep within me is just a mere simmer, the flames slowly dying. Abstract? I don't mean to be, but I just can't help it. What I'm feeling right now is abstract in general, and I don't really feel the need to make sense out of it. It just...feels right.

We'll see how all of this goes.

-hannahrenee.

insomnia and cigarettes.

Written on October 27, 2009

It's 12:13 in the morning, and this is just one of the many nights I sit here in front of this contraption, awake as ever. Sleep has eluded me once again, and once again I spend this insomnia unwisely. I can be finishing up an assignment for my scriptwriting class (but it's due next Monday), catching up on my readings for my literature class (but there's no class tomorrow due to the furlough), updating a few personal projects (but I can do that whenever), or organizing my room (but it doesn't look that bad). Yes, yes, I am the Queen of Procrastination, but we all know that already, don't we? (Oh, don't you just hear my voice, drenched in the sweet, dripping sarcasm?)

Sitting here, craving a cigarette, I'm thinking back upon this year instead of doing one of the things I mentioned.

In retrospect, 2009 has been a really weird year so far; it was like an intense roller coaster that's heading towards the end of the ride. I just don't know if I should brace myself for impact or expect a nice halting stop.

First and foremost, what threw me off the most (in a public sense) were all the celebrity deaths that occurred, and are still occurring. We lost a lot of the greatests this year, and at a point they were one after the other.

Then there's all this crazy family shit that happened since the year started. I'd rather not get into that.

Then the realizations about friends and what friendship really means.

Then the self-realizations regarding my past and how it's affecting my present.

Then all the good things came rolling in (i.e. the trip to SF, the jobs, the internship, the work, the inspiration, etc) and also the equally bad to even things out.

This is also the year that I've plunged deeper into my debts, and my accounts will be (or have already been) reported as delinquent and affect my already slowly-diminishing credit.

And it leaves me to wonder...

Where are the sugardaddies when you need them?

-hannahrenee.

craziness...let's bask in it.

Written on October 16, 2009

It's almost close to a month since my last update, and things have been a nonstop craziness since then. Everything's just coming up in really weird timing and I just don't know what to do with myself; to be honest, I'm at my lowest point, and I'm not liking my current position one bit. If I were a weaker person, I'd be out on a Virginia Tech rampage, just straight shooting motherfucks. Of course, it'll be dubbed the Cal State rampage (and you thought it's always sunny in California).

So, so close. But I'm not like that. I'm too sane in my insanity to pull a massacre like that.

School especially has been driving me up the wall, and confidence in my procrastination isn't really helping my situation either. Being an English major is...no joke. I mean, I always had an idea of how hard it would be, but goddamn. My insomnia, which has been nearly overcome during the summer, has come back with a rage. Pretty soon, I'm going to look like a vampire with red-rimmed, baggy eyes with dark circles under them.

Family's...not that great. Insanity is hitting everyone as I'm typing this right now. I don't know what's worse... Shit hitting the fan, or me shrugging nonchalantly as voices and tension are rising higher in the next room. It's all fucked up.

Friends...well, human relationships in general aren't always easy. But I'm grateful for the people in my life, and this issue is the lightest of issues in my life right now, lol.

In retrospect, as much I say that I hate drama...I'm actually glad that shit hits the fan every once in a while. It makes you appreciate the good moments even more so than ever.

I guess...I don't know. I need go to out and clear my head. I'm gonna try my best to avoid cigarettes, 'cause we all know that I've been smoking one too many of those.

-hannahrenee.

questions.

Written on September 18, 2009

I had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine about what we expect from our potential boyfriends, whoever they may be. While we were talking, I couldn't help but to realize that we each expected a lot from the opposite sex. For example, I find men who are tall (past the 5'9" mark) attractive. They don't have to look like a modern day Adonis, but a good-looking man will spark my interest (y'all can't deny your own superficiality. Then again, I have weird taste). Intelligence, confidence, spontaneity, tolerance, ambitions, independence, initiative, and humility are what I look for when it comes to personality.

But what about them? What do men expect out of us women? Is it just entirely boobs&ass and a willingness to provide the sexual at the speed of light? (C'mon guys, tell us something we don't know.)

Just a thought.

-hannahrenee.

september babies and realizations

Written on September 10, 2009

So many of my friends celebrate their birthdays at around this time of year, and if someone wanted me to, I could probably fill everyday of the month of September with the names of my friends. There's my mom's birthday on the third, then Sharon's birthday on the fourth. John's birthday on the sixth, then Septian's birthday on the seventh...etc etc. I myself celebrate my birthday in September, and I think we should all get together and throw a big party.

As I'm drawing closer and closer to the consummation of my 20th year, I've come to realize a lot of things about myself through many conversations with friends. Things I wouldn't normally sit down and think about without some kind of topic of conversation sparking the initiative to do so.

I've realized that I am a very jaded individual, leading me to become somewhat apathetic to the things around me, all of which stems from my experiences of my childhood.

This is the first time I've publicly come out and said this, but I feel like it's something I have to do in order to cope and eventually get over it. When I was six years old, I was once molested by a strange man who came into the day care center I was in, and repeatedly molested and raped through trickery by my then-eleven year old cousin, who was staying with my grandmother at the time.

I didn't know it for what it was until I was until I was in the ninth grade. It was during health class, when a speaker from the local rape treatment center came to talk to the students. Realization hit me like a baseball bat, and I've never been able to stop thinking about it in the back of my mind. Before then, I didn't think much of it. I knew that what happened to me wasn't normal, but at the same time, I didn't really think it was something so atrocious and so...incestual.

I fell into an angry depression, feeling that I've been robbed of my own normality and innocence before I could even get a chance to experience it for myself. My dad's abuse didn't help with my situation at all, and I spiraled down into a deeper hole than the one I was previously in.

Of course, I didn't tell anyone about what happened to me. How could I? I was full of shame and just hated everything in the world. Not only that, but I was considered the failure of my family, while the same cousin who raped me was highly regarded because of all his academic achievements, despite his "sad family situation". (His dad cheated on his mom and left her for his mistress. So what? I was getting beat with baseball bats and golf clubs, fuck what he went through.)

Anyway, during my depression, all I could think of was the strange man shoving his tongue inside my mouth, and my cousin shoving his ugly male organ inside my vagine. I say it with a little humor now, but back then it drove me absolutely insane.

Finally, around the summer of my junior year, I told my mom about what happened to me, and what crushed me more was her reaction. She wouldn't express anger, and she looked out for her family instead (my cousin is from the maternal side of my family), telling me the words "Don't tell your father about this."

I was crushed. I mean, honestly, how would you feel when something as serious as this happened to you, and you tell your mom, only to hear her say "Keep your mouth shut about it."?

That brought me to a much worse state. My dad eventually found out and wanted to kill my cousin, but at the same time he told me to forgive my cousin because "he was young and he didn't know what he was doing".

Imagine how crazy I went. To this day, I'm a little insane because of all the fucked up shit that happened to me.

Anyway, I eventually pulled myself out of my depression, disgusted at how I was drowning in self-pity, and decided to move on. But what happened to me still affects my greatly. I am immediately suspicious of men, which is ironic because I mostly have male friends, and I am terrified of them. And I am terrified of sex, so I am still a virgin (though, technically I'm not).

What gets me more is the fact that there are a lot of girls who have stories similar to mine. It's disgusting how...ugh. Fucking men and their inability to reason once they're horny enough.

At the same time, this experience has shaped me into who I am. Although I'm not the ideal kind of person, I'm glad I'm not the overly naive and optimistic type. This made me stronger, and I now appreciate the ability to stay level-headed through any "crisis" that comes my way, because, honestly, I've been through the worst.

I just hate talking about what happened when I was younger, not because I think it's a burden, but because I hate the changed attitudes of people. They suddenly start to pity me and offer words of comfort and all that jazz. That's not what I want. What I want from me telling you is that you understanding my character a bit better, and understanding the reasons why I am the way I am. I don't need your sad eyes and patronizing tone of voice. That's the last thing I want.

In any case, I'm getting better, and learning to open up a little more each day. I just need to work on forgiving my cousin, not because I want to forget what happened, but because I feel that it would give me a sense of closure. But I'm not ready to do that just yet.

-hannahrenee.