Friday, July 1, 2011


a deep breath.

i've been silent about the things that interest me, a little reluctant to engage in things that make me happy and, in truth, i've stayed away from them for a little while. i didn't want anything to do with my interests, that held many similarities with another, and i started to hate myself for them. it's hard when you want to forget about a certain heartbreaking situation while simultaneously knowing so much about the other characters of the story. that was my problem. that i knew too much. too much detail about something i ultimately didn't want to know that much about. but it came my way. a complete spillage of past due truths and i was drowning in it.

when something like that happens, you can't help but to sit and analyze all the events that's occurred back then up until now. you can't help but to sit and wonder why certain actions were done, if they were made due to this reason or that, was that a lie, a half-truth, or a nicer version? you can't help but to sit and be in awe of the workings of another's mind, how could they do that, what were they thinking, why was there no visible flinching pang of conscience? and then you can't help but to sit there and compare anything and everything. the analyzing and attempts to filter out the lies from good intentions, those are things i can go about with my sanity intact but the comparisons, oh, that's what drove me to the brink of sheer and utterly tragic insanity.

but then, all that being said, everything can only go so far. how much longer can i keep asking the same questions? how much longer can i wonder about the things that i ultimately won't know about? how much longer can i keep victimizing myself, pushing myself closer and closer to self-loathing and resentment? that's not going to get me anywhere. yet, that's always been my problem. letting go of the past is a huge lesson i still have to learn.

now, sitting here, after all the questions were asked, after all my questions have been answered, after many conversations upon it and after many subtle yet snide remarks (from yours truly), i'm down to two decisions.

dwell and damage or move forward and grow.

and, sitting here, after all has been said and done, after showing so much emotion, after all my efforts in trying to understand, and after many shared dreams, i've made my choice.

i'm moving on. i'm letting go. of everything. of everything that's happened, every single detail, every single lie, every single truth, every hurt. forgiving came easy but forgetting is always the hardest part. i'm not forgetting, no, i don't think i'll ever completely forget, but where would always remembering take me?

i'm slowly picking up the pieces. i'm almost getting there. i've dwelled on many things and have damaged myself many times. but i don't want to do that anymore. i don't want to drive myself into regrettably losing everything.

so, here's to me. here's to you. here's to us. here's to us moving forward. and here's to us growing together.

and here's to me breathing a little bit better.

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