Tuesday, June 7, 2011

two years ago...

Two years ago, in April, I started a music blog that revolved around the Los Angeles underground called "The Urban Decadence". A mouthful, I know, and I thought I was so clever... It was to ridicule the whole "underground is dead" mentality since, you know, my blog interviewed, promoted, and reviewed many artists that made up the underground scene.

I came across this video while looking through my YouTube account and couldn't but to notice just how much has changed since then.

I'm skinnier now. I don't live at home. I've lost my passion for shows (since they've kind of became work). I'm a lot poorer. I'm not in school. And I've had three really short haircuts since then.

But, I've managed to stay the same regarding my awkwardness. I'm still not so comfortable with being in front of the camera and would much rather stay behind it.

I watched all the "video updates" I've recorded with my old point-and-shoot--why didn't I even think to edit the footage, despite the fact that I had a basic editing program on my webcam-less Compaq Presario? That evades me.

As I watched all my silly ramblings and talks about who I interviewed and this and that, I can't help but to wonder, where did that girl go? I was so driven, so ambitious, so eager to share things with the world and did everything I could to make my own connections, establish friendships, and help out in whatever way I could.

I miss the motivation I had back then, and I miss the drive.

Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I forgot the reason why I left home and got caught up in things I never would have imagined. Though I'm not regretful of the choices I've made, I can't help but to look back in amazement. Everything took an unexpected turn.

Then I took up more responsibilities that came with living out on your own with no help. I got caught up in learning lessons, gaining experience, and just fucking around thinking my youth made me invincible, while blaming my newfound adulthood for making me go offtrack on the path to my dreams, my definition of success.

But, watching all this now, I realize I need to get up off my ass. To stop sulking around, to stop complaining about being so uninspired when in fact, there's a lot to find inspiration in.

I've been beside myself with bitterness lately as well, and I've been acting out on it in ways I shouldn't. I've said hurtful things. My words were laced with poison. Sarcasm dripped from my every joke and everything that came out of my lips were full of ill intent.

Bitterness and bitchiness is no way to cope with things. That's another bad habit I have to kick to the curb.

And so, I write this in hopes to shed the heartbreak and unpleasant things I've lingered on for much longer than needed. I write this in hopes to apply all the lessons I've learned in the two years I put myself of hold so I can continue to grow. I write this so that I can embrace what I have now, what I have to look forward to, and dismiss the past as..the past. Spilt milk, and there's no use crying over it.

And I write, because it's what I do.

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